it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
