Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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