i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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