Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
