...so i touched it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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