Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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