You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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