Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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