The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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