i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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