I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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