if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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