it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
