we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
