i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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