so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
