If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
