Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
