My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
