Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
