Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
