Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
