ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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