Tell her she can't have a vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
