We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Do vagina's smell?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
