She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
