U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
