Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I FOUND THE LEGS
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
