wanna go halves on a baby?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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