The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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