i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
