I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
