i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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