We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
