I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
no, he came in my armpit
this beer tastes like vomit already
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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