she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
