she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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