What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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