No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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