I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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