nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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