There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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