At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
