hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You smell like a Billy Joel song
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
