your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
