great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
