APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
