Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
