Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
