She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
