I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
